"I'm
a committed bachelor. One of my favorite
oxymorons is engagement party."
oxymorons is engagement party."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Hospitals
are so expensive now. I went in for a blood transfusion
and there was a two pint minimum."
and there was a two pint minimum."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
was shopping for a car and asked the salesman the sticker price.
He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said. 'The car's extra,' he said."
He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said. 'The car's extra,' he said."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm not all that hip. Today, somebody said something about being 'old school,'
and I thought they were talking about Yale."
Scott
E. Roeben
"They say that if you want to get someone's attention, whisper.
I say if you want to get someone's attention, eye gouge."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Life
is strange. Come to find out, the only thing
I'm allergic to is allergy medicine."
I'm allergic to is allergy medicine."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
bought a Ouija board. The pointer spelled out,
'You don't actually believe in this crap, do you?'"
'You don't actually believe in this crap, do you?'"
Scott
E. Roeben
"Whenever
I hear Southerners talking about the South rising again,
I start to feel like my lunch might do the same thing."
I start to feel like my lunch might do the same thing."
Scott
E. Roeben
"If
you think about it,
it really should be called lubrican."
it really should be called lubrican."
Scott
E. Roeben
"What's
the dumbest thing ever?
A porn star asking, 'What's my motivation?'"
A porn star asking, 'What's my motivation?'"
Scott
E. Roeben
"The
Hooters Hotel and Casino here in Las Vegas isn't doing too well,
I've heard. I guess you might say their business is sagging."
I've heard. I guess you might say their business is sagging."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
believe that if someone makes you calamari, you should
make them calamari in return. You know, squid pro quo."
make them calamari in return. You know, squid pro quo."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm
the outdoor type. As soon as a woman mentions commitment, I'm out the
door."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm
a little obsessive about grammar.
I always thought the band should be called The Whom."
I always thought the band should be called The Whom."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Experts
now believe bedwetting is more mental than physical,
but as far as I'm concerned, that theory just doesn't hold water."
but as far as I'm concerned, that theory just doesn't hold water."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm
a paranoid exhibitionist. I always feel like
I'm being watched, but I don't particularly care."
I'm being watched, but I don't particularly care."
Scott
E. Roeben
"What
do you use to let people know you're selling 'For Sale' signs?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
swam 400 laps today. And that wasn't easy.
Half the time the shower curtain was in the way."
Half the time the shower curtain was in the way."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
enjoy painting wildlife. But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Henry
David Thoreau once said, 'Goodness is the only investment that never fails.'
He obviously never sent away for Sea Monkeys."
He obviously never sent away for Sea Monkeys."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Studies
have discovered most pessimists have
the same blood type. B-negative."
the same blood type. B-negative."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Discuss
marriage with my girlfriend? I'd rather be
reincarnated as a urinal cake at Oktoberfest."
reincarnated as a urinal cake at Oktoberfest."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
had a three-way the other night. Yeah, that's right.
A threesome. I used both hands."
A threesome. I used both hands."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
read a story about a new drug that's the first to be FDA-approved to treat
bipolar disorder.
That news makes me so enraged and ecstatic!"
That news makes me so enraged and ecstatic!"
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
wrote the book on sex. And believe
me, it's overdue."
me, it's overdue."
Scott
E. Roeben
"A
journey of a thousand miles begins with me complaining
about what a long journey it's going to be."
about what a long journey it's going to be."
Scott
E. Roeben
"My
yoga instructor said I need to be more 'centered.' I don't need a class for
that.
People have said I'm self-centered for years."
People have said I'm self-centered for years."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Don't
condemn people for their ignorance.
Use it against them."
Use it against them."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
got a miniature abacus for my birthday.
It's the little things that count."
It's the little things that count."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
recently learned that birds are abused to make foie gras.
Oh, great. Like we needed another reason to hate the French."
Oh, great. Like we needed another reason to hate the French."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Teach
your kids to love animals. They'll figure out the sex thing on their own."
Scott
E. Roeben
"If
you can't say something funny about someone,
don't say anything at all."
don't say anything at all."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Always
remember that stupidity has no height requirement."
Scott
E. Roeben
"What
will my friends and loved ones say about me when my life ends and I'm laid to
rest?
They'll probably say, 'Wow. He finally got laid.'"
They'll probably say, 'Wow. He finally got laid.'"
Scott
E. Roeben
"In
the Middle East, peace is what happens when you're looking for more
rocks."
Scott
E. Roeben
"If
practice makes perfect, how do you explain taxi drivers?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"In
an odd twist, only Time's 2006 'Person of the Year' can prevent forest
fires."
Scott
E. Roeben
"If
New York is a melting pot, that must mean Los Angeles is a crock pot."
Scott
E. Roeben
"House
fires could be prevented if people would just start living in tents."
Scott
E. Roeben
"The
masochist's motto: If the shoe fits, it's too big."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
don't have fond memories of the holidays when I was a kid.
My father went to court to have 'welts' legally defined as 'presents.'"
My father went to court to have 'welts' legally defined as 'presents.'"
Scott
E. Roeben
"We
use mistletoe as an excuse to kiss strangers
during the holidays. Haven't people ever heard of chloroform?"
during the holidays. Haven't people ever heard of chloroform?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"When
push comes to shove, it's really hard to
tell the difference between a push and a shove."
tell the difference between a push and a shove."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Life
can be ironic. Come to find out, the only thing
I'm allergic to is allergy medicine."
I'm allergic to is allergy medicine."
Scott
E. Roeben
"My
car is a convertible. I call it that because when
I turn the key, it converts into a piece of crap."
I turn the key, it converts into a piece of crap."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
once worked at a sperm bank. It took a lot of pull to get that job."
Scott
E. Roeben
"What's
the best way to frighten a Frenchman on Halloween?
Dress up as deodorant."
Dress up as deodorant."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
figured out a way to make Death Row a little more fun. Musical electric
chairs."
Scott
E. Roeben
"They
say that before you get into a relationship, you should
look for red flags. With my girlfriend, it was like watching a military parade in Tiananmen Square."
look for red flags. With my girlfriend, it was like watching a military parade in Tiananmen Square."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
believe in the inalienable right to alienate."
Scott
E. Roeben
"My
grandmother's motto is: I complain, therefore I am."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Last
week there was a fire at a fire extinguisher
manufacturing plant. It lasted four seconds."
manufacturing plant. It lasted four seconds."
Scott
E. Roeben
"My
girlfriend is a terrible cook. She thinks bouillabaisse
is a place where Marines train."
is a place where Marines train."
Scott
E. Roeben
"As
a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
have a hectic schedule. I'm busier than someone
who works at the Lemming Suicide Hotline."
who works at the Lemming Suicide Hotline."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
live in a crummy apartment. Once, opportunity
knocked and a wall collapsed."
knocked and a wall collapsed."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Good
friends are hard to find. Especially in tall grass."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Sex
isn't the greatest thing in the world.
Sex with someone else is."
Sex with someone else is."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm
a lonely guy. Lately, my own hand has been avoiding my calls."
Scott
E. Roeben
"If
everything is relative, what is everything else?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"It's
not a good idea to lie. Especially if you're
in the middle of the road."
in the middle of the road."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm
going through an awkward stage. You know,
the one between birth and death."
the one between birth and death."
Scott
E. Roeben
"If
you can't take the heat, take the iron off your face."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Incest
is great. You don't have to get used to
a whole new set of in-laws."
a whole new set of in-laws."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm
not a great lover. Once, I actually gave a
woman an anti-climax."
woman an anti-climax."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Sometimes
I feel a little like roadkill in a world full of crows."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
guess you could call me a polygamist.
Sometimes I switch hands."
Sometimes I switch hands."
Scott
E. Roeben
"The
best advice I ever got I saw on a bottle of aspirin.
It said: Keep away from children."
It said: Keep away from children."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Tarot
cards are a crock. How do I know?
My astrologer told me so."
My astrologer told me so."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Imagine
if you were a chicken, and you got the other chickens mad,
and they decided to tar and feather you. No one would notice."
and they decided to tar and feather you. No one would notice."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Death
is the ultimate appetite suppressant."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Deal
with the IRS? Frankly, I'd rather mistake
two rectal thermometers for chopsticks."
two rectal thermometers for chopsticks."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Sex
is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the
good stuff is out of your price range."
good stuff is out of your price range."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
took a philosophy test that asked us to explain Nothingness.
I left it blank."
I left it blank."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
invented an antiperspirant for dogs. They just lick it."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Why
would a doctor 'scrub up' before a bowel dissection?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
know love is blind. But does it have to keep
smacking me in the leg with its cane?"
smacking me in the leg with its cane?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'd
hate to be light. You'd get a lot of speeding tickets."
Scott
E. Roeben
"War
is hell. Sweeping up afterward is worse."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Don't
condemn people for their ignorance. Use it against them."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I'm
giving a party in honor of Ghandi's birthday. No refreshments will be
served."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
once worked as a horse trainer.
It was a stable job."
It was a stable job."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
was once a conductor. I knew more musicians
than you could shake a stick at."
than you could shake a stick at."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
used to be an inventor. In fact, who do you think
came up with the inflatable voodoo doll?"
came up with the inflatable voodoo doll?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"Does
an angry bride make veiled threats?"
Scott
E. Roeben
"Credit
cards? How can people dig themselves into
such deep holes with such little pieces of plastic."
such deep holes with such little pieces of plastic."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
went to a ball game and visited the concession stand.
I got three concessions and a compromise."
I got three concessions and a compromise."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
had a rough childhood. When I was born,
the doctor advised me of my rights."
the doctor advised me of my rights."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Finding
an honest politician is a difficult thing to do.
Not nearly as difficult, however, as finding a black man with a toupee."
Not nearly as difficult, however, as finding a black man with a toupee."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
was on a game show. When I lost, they gave
me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb."
me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb."
Scott
E. Roeben
"I
heard that the idea for the patent was stolen."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Women
are confusing. They hate it when you ask how old they are,
then they turn around and bite your head off if you forget their birthday."
then they turn around and bite your head off if you forget their birthday."
Scott
E. Roeben
"There's
only one thing wrong with wife swapping.
You get another wife."
You get another wife."
Scott
E. Roeben
"Our
family once had a dog that was a mix of Pit Bull and collie.
After it tore your arm off, it would go for help."
After it tore your arm off, it would go for help."
Scott
E. Roeben
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