Monday, March 24, 2014

Its MONDAY...who needs a good laugh?


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entrée.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I’m not in right now; please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Good luck and let me know how you did.

I'd just come out   of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large
chips, ear of corn & a jumbo  sausage. A poor homeless man sat there
and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'  I told him, 'I wish I had
your will  power.'



A   fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said, 'Sorry
about the   wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it



I   walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the
bank. When I   came out, he looked at me and said, 'Any Change?' I
said, 'Nope, you're still   black'.



Snow   in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches   tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like



A   10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man
passing by   asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this
morning.' 'Oh   bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father
O'Riley for you?' The   boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last
thing on my mind at the   moment.'



Years   ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since   nearly all of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a
bacon sandwich   works   best!



Japanese   scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that   it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth   closed.



I   hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look   at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself, 'I'm going to   take   that.'



Man   in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a
farmer in the   fields and shouts to him, 'Where am I?' The farmer
looks back up and shouts   back, 'You're in a basket you dumb   shit!'



I   had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the
last question   which I got wrong. The question was where do women have
the curliest hair?   Fiji was the correct answer... hell, how did I
know they wanted the name of a  country?


A big limo is driving down a dark country road late at night when suddenly a very old cow appears in the middle of the road on a curve.
The driver doesn't have time to stop and slams into the cow, killing it instantly.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur,
"You get out and check on that poor cow since you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them,
"I'm Dianne Feinstein's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."



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