How to Give a Cat a
Pill
1. Pick up cat and
cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from
floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from
bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from
foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from
goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor
with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from
curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large
towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to
make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste
away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from
neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and
close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver
from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer.
Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour
shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
12. Call fire
department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder
of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
15. Call the Vet and
arrange appointment for professional help.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss
it in the air.
1 comment:
And that is why I hate cats and love dogs so much.
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