Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Do men have feelings?

I was watching a 'news' program, you know the ones, nothing but puff pieces interspersed with the briefest of local happenings and here's the weather on the half hour.  (Like you can't look out the window once in awhile...)
So, these two 30-something women in almost but not quite the same yellow dress were 'interviewing' four supposedly well known male Metro-sexual types I'd never heard of, and of course, the life affecting questions of men's "feelings" came up. 
Between puking and laughing, I thought about some of the questions from my point of view. 
Now, I'm not an expert on men's feelings. And ANY man who says he understands women is a liar. But as these questions are apparently critical enough to warrant a half hour segment of what passes for news, I thought I'd post a few of the answers from my point of view. 

Question 1: Why don't men express their feelings? 
MY answer: We do.  Constantly. 
If Ifeel hungry, I express this by getting something to eat. 
If I feel horny, I express this by throwing my wife to the ground wherever we happen to be, and alleviate this feeling. 
If I feel happy, the corners of my mouth move in an upward direction. 
If I feel sad, I grab a beer, and repeat as necessary until the corners of my mouth move in an upward direction.
When I feel mad, I either break something, make something, or take something. 
Which covers hungry, horny, happy, sad, and mad.  

Men HAVE no other 'feelings'.

Question 2: Why do men get MORE upset when women ask them "What's wrong? "
MY answer: As pointed out above, men DO express their feelings. We, at least those of us who ARE men, are taught we are the providers, protectors, comforters, and the rock that stands against the tempest. We can live in a cave and eat raw rat, poop in the woods, wipe with leaves, (or not...) and never even notice when a minor scratch, say, cutting off a foot, accidently happens while chopping down a mighty Redwood.
When our efforts to be all this falls short, we 'feel' inferior to our own ideals. Leave us alone, we'll work out a solution, and life will eventually be better, and golden unicorns will fly out of our asses.
If we need help we'll ask. Just don't hold your breath waiting...

Question 3: What's the secret to a long marriage? 
MY answer: Keep your dick in either your own or your wife's pants, and don't get divorced. 

Question 4: What do you look for in a woman? 
MY answer: Someone who understands that men only HAVE five feelings, will make me a sandwich if I'm hungry, enjoy when I'm horny and can fake an orgasm in the face of even my performance, laugh at what makes me happy, make me a sandwich or give me sex if I'm sad, leaves me to myself if I'm breaking something, making something, or taking something, and Never, under any circumstances asks me "what's wrong?" when golden unicorns suddenly stop flying out of my ass.

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