I'm NOT done!
First let me say Thank You to Robert H. and Highlander. The money you sent is truly appreciated. Even if I get only five dollars, that can sometimes (like lately!) mean the difference between my wife getting to work or not for a couple more days. I am grateful. Deeply.
Now for the rest of the story....
I've had a lot of support from you folks out there.
I get scared sometimes, and overwhelmed. Most of us do whether we will admit it or not.
When I see the woman who means everything to me turn away so I don't have to see her tears when I come in the 'substructure' we call our home, I feel inadequate.
I put a lot of that frustration into this blog the other day when I didn't see a whole lot of options, and I was ready to give up. But, I'm trying to work with the bureaucrats here and make this thing work.
One of my readers asked how much it would take to get moving forward.
I apparently misunderstood the question, thinking any day I wake up above ground and make it through until night WAS moving forward!
So I erroneously ass\u\me\d he meant how much I would need to get to a point where I could start to get AHEAD!
So with all due diligence, I wasted an extra hour of our taxpayer money having a bureaucratic flunkie go over EVERYTHING required in a "Section 2: Rural Agricultural Land: Single Family Dwelling. Then I went to Lowe's and priced materials. Then I called THREE licensed electricians, THREE licensed plumbers, and THREE licensed carpenters for estimates on a 10 minute look-see on work that I would perform.
Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I truly do appreciate any help I get. But the question of what it would take to move forward came with a caveat: "This time with a plan."
Again, I erroneously ass\u\me\d I'd HAD a plan the first time.
My 'plan' was to perform hard work in constant pain and 'make a life in the wilderness'.
Was I naïve? Yep.
Did I get shafted? Yep.
Was it MY fault? Yep, yep, and YEP.
I allowed myself to chase my one dream.
And I'd put my faith in a system that I inherently KNEW was flawed.
The American Spirit that will always breathe in MY soul is what allowed this country to be born.
Our forefathers moved west and did indeed 'make a life in the wilderness'. (Of course, all THEY had to deal with were a plethora of savage beasts and hostile former tenants. I have to deal with CODE INSPECTORS!)
Okay. I screwed up. Everybody happy now?
But I have to blame some of this (a small portion at least) on life itself. Tactics only work until contact with the enemy, and plans only work until contact with reality.
I didn't 'plan' to have a hurricane take everything I own and leave me with little recourse but to relocate to Oklahoma. I don't even particularly LIKE Oklahoma...
I didn't 'plan' to be shot.
I didn't 'plan' to be out of work and worthless for two years.
I didn't 'plan' a lot of the shit "life" has thrown at me. Nor a lot of the opportunities "life" has given me.
So if you have a question, ask. I will do my damnedest to give you a full and honest answer. If you don't want the answer, don't ask the question.
If you wish to give me charity, I will humbly accept and offer my heartfelt gratitude.
What few shreds of my dignity and pride I have left, however, I will hold on to until the bitter end.
And I'm afraid I will still take (most) people at face value until I have been burned. Its my nature, reinforced by my wife's undying belief that there is good in all, and I doubt I would care to live in a world where there were no trust-worthy people.
If you feel your charity will be squandered, or expect me to change who I inherently AM, or require me to accept criticism and give up what's left of my shattered pride in order to get by, I am sorry. I cannot.
'Life' can take my so-called "substructure". Take the land its on too.
I've lost literally everything I owned except my clothes not once, but THREE times in my life due to shit I not only didn't, but couldn't, plan for.
Take it all. I'll start over and once more come out better than I was before.
Because I was wrong about one more thing: I'm NOT done!
My bad....
***
8 comments:
Much love from us. I'd gotten to looking around for travel trailers (having spent a summer living in one, and finding it quite liveable), but didn't find any affordable ones locally.
THIS. This is the measure of a man. I knew you had it in you.
I have no reason to believe the money my friend and I sent you will be squandered. Hiswiseangel and Wirecutter said you are good people and that's all I needed. I said before we wish we could do more but hopefully the rest of the community will come to your aid like we did. I hope your wife is doing better - I hate to see my wife cry, rips my heart out every time, so I know how you feel. Keep your head up brother!
Honey, your true friends and brothers don't blame you for the setbacks and we only want to see you and Rose back on your feet and moving forward. Every one of us knows you're worth it, and that when you ARE on your feet on solid ground, you'll reach your good hand out to another Patriot and help him along. It's what we do. It's not charity, it's Tribe.
Look me up on Facebook, my girlfriend is thinking if y'all need a place to hang out , we are down 44 near Lawton, depending on your situation, im going through a divorce and living with shari (https://www.facebook.com/Reddspur357) I still remember when you told me you was right up the road , and im thinking that now is a good time to hook up ,LOL ,message me back ok.
Illegitimus Non Carborandum my friend, don't let the bastards grind you down.
You are trying, anyone who takes the time to look can plainly see that.
It is the main reason you have my continued respect and support.
I could name a fellow blogger I know of on the left side of the spectrum who has hit me up many times over the past five years who doesn't have a job because he believes that anything less than what he had as a position at the last one is beneath him.
To me, that is a lazy motherfucker because this is going on six god damn years now.
I bust my balls doing whatever it takes and have had some crappy jobs but I work, period.
I know you can't work, yet still you do.
You don't bring home a paycheck but even with one good arm you put this other clown to shame.
I have been where you have been.
I have started from scratch basically with what I could fit in my car at least five times.
I have lived in a van, several leaky RV's and stayed with friends or relatives while getting back on my feet.
Don't let the comments others leave eat you up.
Let them walk a mile or two in your shoes.
You are a tough bastard, I like that and you have a good heart, I can tell that from 1500 miles away without ever meeting you.
Stick with your plan dude, it has merit.
These are the speed bumps in life and in time things will smooth out.
This pecker headed code enforcement dude is on a power trip.
This too shall pass.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and Miss Rose especially.
That woman is a keeper dude and you be sure and tell her I said that.
I will see about spreading the word tomorrow night after I get home and if one Patriot reading my blog sends one fucking dollar then it will be worth it.
I am hoping to be a bit more persuasive than that though.
You just remember what I keep telling you, don't let them grind you down.
Every day is another opportunity.
Phil
I have been, and currently am in your shoes. Though not to quite the extremes you've endured. The only advice I can offer, which you already know given this post, is hang in there. Just when things seem darkest, there is a little flicker of light. Moral support is all I have to give at the moment, but I know such support has done me a world of good.
And hey, we ALL make mistakes. Anyone who thinks or says they haven't is full of shit. Most important thing is that we learn from those mistakes, and help others avoid making the same ones. You are doing just that with this blog. Keep up the good work!
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