Words of wisdom

MARRIAGE:

It’s cheaper to keep her.

Rub her feet. (My dad told me this one…It didn’t work on my first wife. And I bought her 32 pairs of galoshes! She still left me.)

WORK:

Find a job your good at and enjoy, and you’ll never “work” in your life. (Took me 42 years to find a job where I got paid to be an asshole.)

Never go to or leave work naked.  (Even if your job’s a stripper, the only over time you’ll get is in jail).

Sucks.

DOGS:

Tastes like chicken.

CATS:

Tastes like chicken

CHICKEN:

If everything else tastes like this, why bother?

LYING:

Lying is an art; honest!

The next sentence is the truth:

The previous sentence was a lie.

OGRES:

They’re like an onion, many layers.

They’re like a parfait: they have layers too.

PARFAITS:

Ain’t nobody doesn’t like a parfait.

Women:

(I got nothing)

MEN:

A man will tell you what you want to hear to get you in bed.

A man will ask you what you want to hear.

Never talk to another man in the bathroom.

Never have a “my pecker is bigger than you’re pecker” contest with another man holding a knife.

Never call your girlfriend's Dad “Dude” on first meeting.

Also, don’t wear fishnet stockings.

Always ensure your gun is loaded. Viagra is a good option here.

Never admit you use Viagra.

CARS:

The louder they are, the more “muscle” they have. Performance has nothing to do with it.

SEX:

Performance has EVERYTHING to do with it.

If she tells you size doesn’t matter, it’s because you’re hung like a mule.

If she points and laughs when you take off your pants, the above sentence does not apply to you.

CHURCH:

Never ask the pastor/reverend/rabbi to “pull my finger”.

Never stand and shout “ALLAHU AHKBAR” in a redneck church.

WEDDINGS:

To date, the most expensive method to get in a girl’s pants.

When the man says “til death do we part”, he’s setting a goal.

WIVES:

If your wife comes out of the kitchen yelling at you, you made the chain too long.

If your wife can’t change a lightbulb, it is perfectly acceptable for her to cook your dinner in the dark.

You should NOT keep your wife barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. High heels are preferable.

Women should be obscene, not absurd.

NEVER write a post with the listing of “wives” where your wife can read it!

Which brings me to: HOSPITALS:

The last place someone who’s already sick should be is a hospital.

The last place someone who’s not already sick should be is a hospital.

Wear clean underwear. (This one from my mom)

If you need to put on a hospital gown, wear ANY underwear.

It is impossible to walk with dignity holding your gown together behind your back.

Hospital gowns tie in the back to teach you humility.

BEER:

No such thing as “too much”.

If it’s not open when she brings it to you, you haven’t been doing your job.

If you repeat that too her, she will never bring you another beer.

A beer will never point to your penis and laugh.

Beer does not care if you want it in the can.

 

Xeno out