I'm a prepper, she's a prepper, wouldn't ya like to be a prepper, too?

This is a fairly long post, that started out as an idea to put some good information about general prepping on my site. I mention in my “about me” column that I’m a survivalist. I practically lived in the woods growing up, and was raised on a self sustaining homestead. AND I’m a dedicated prepper.

I go to a LOT of sites to brush up on information and to see what “new” idea some yahoo thinks he just came up with for the first time in like EVER, and try not to judge.

I was GOING to go to some different sites and list some of the unusual things folks come up with for survival or prepping, but stopped after this first one. I got enough fodder here to gag a maggot. Good information? I’ll let you be the judge. But the ideas are, shall we say, “entertaining”.

The following are excerpts from the post apocalypse site: “I’m not saying….”

But it IS an actual site:  (comments in red are from yours truly)

 

 

 When the lights go out, and it is colder than a witches tits in a brass bra, you will need to know how to start a fire, purify water, acquire food and defend yourself. 

 Need to know all that to defend against a witches tit in a brass bra?

 

Otherwise, you can stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

Possible back up plan?

 

Realistically, you and I stand a great chance of dying right away or in the ensuing chaos that follows.

Then what the fuck are we bothering with all this for? 

The general rule to remember for post apocalyptic survival is called the rule of 3′s:

• You die in 3 minutes without oxygen,
• 3 hours without shelter,
• 3 days without water and
• 3 weeks without food.

Okay, I won’t argue this one…

Any post apocalyptic survival guide, that doesn’t immediately suggest you get a shotgun, is as useless as tits on bull.

One of the few tidbits that actually makes sense.

If you need to empty 17 rounds out of your clip to stop a would be attacker, you are either terrible at aiming or screwed anyway.

Besides, the government is gonna restrict you to seven rounds or less….

Collect Materials Before You Attempt To Make a Fire

Kinda hard to collect materials for a fire AFTER you're attempting to make a fire. What would you attempt it WITH?

The only problem with matches for post apocalyptic survival is that they absolutely suck and I hate them.

They’re better for lighting cigars though. Keeps the smoke mellow.

The simple, unavoidable fact is that a gun can get you anything you want from someone who does not have a gun.

See entry above about tits on a bull….Get a gun.

Don’t think for a second life is pleasurable living under a tarp.

It’s not? Whooda thunk?

Needless to say, until shit really hits the fan spiders are not going to be on my menu.

As my sainted mother used to say: “How do you KNOW you don’t like them if you don’t even TRY them?

If my life depends on it, I’d rather have the expensive models over some cheap Chinese piece of crap.

I’d rather have the Chinese piece of crap over nothing.

Taken together, the last two seem almost prophetic….

Surviving after the apocalypse will be extremely difficult without a steady supply of reliable food.

Surviving before the apocalypse will be extremely difficult without a steady supply of reliable food!

If you did not prepare, you better get your ass out there and get whatever you can.

You brought your gun, right? Because that other Schmuck out there getting whatever HE can brought his.

Going from eating microwave dinners to being a hunter gatherer again is not an easy undertaking, you must get creative.

It won’t be easy carrying the microwave around either…

Your mind is more important than any sort of gear in a post apocalyptic survival situation.

Make sure you have this ahead of time.

That said, your gear will greatly increase your chances of post apocalyptic survival.

But I thought you said my mind was more important. Now I’m confused.

So get gear that will last you until you die!

Didn’t you say we’d probably be dead during the ensuing chaos? How good does the gear have to be for THAT|?

I like a larger heavier machete that is capable of cutting down small trees and chopping semi thick branches, I am more confident it will penetrate a zombies skull.

Okay, I see NOTHING wrong with this statement!

A solid axe may well last you the rest of your life.

See “resulting chaos” note above…..

While you still have access to gas, nothing beats a chainsaw.

Even better than a machete for zombie skulls!

Shovels are an extremely useful tool that can be sharpened to make a formidable melee weapon.

But not as good as a chainsaw…

No post apocalyptic survival kit would be complete without a flashlight.

The better to see the zombies.

Every man should own a crowbar.

A rule I live by.

That being said, do yourself a favor and get yourself some bolt cutters.

But you JUST said I needed a crowbar!

Duct Tape – You know what they say, if you can’t duck it, fuck it.

Truer words hath ne’er been spoke…

As soon as you have anything to fix get creative with duct tape.

Except when binding zombies to tree. Just “Git ‘er done”.

Thermal Blankets – Cheap and surprisingly effective at beaming your own body heat back at you.

But a LOT more fun getting your ladies body heat beamed at ya….

Nothing will kill you faster than hypothermia if you are soaking wet in a cold climate and on the move.

Not zombies, gun wielding thugs, that pack of wolves, or…

Don’t overlook work gloves! You can’t touch anything hot without them.

Ever hear of pot holders, Jackass?

Good boots can save your ass if you have to hump a long distance.

Not sure I’ve ever humped over ANY kind of distance. And when I DO hump, it’s not my ass I’m concentrating on…

If you have to run away from civilization you will be glad you aren’t wearing your flip-flops.

They are perfectly acceptable for running from the aforementioned pack of wolves, however.

Get yourself a pre-made hiking medical survival kit if you do not know what you are doing.

If you don’t know what you’re doing, what good will ANY medkit make?

Get a backpack that will last until you die!

If you don’t live very long, a Hefty garbage sack will do nicely…

You may need to fit all of your shit into a square on your back and head for the mountains, do you wanna rely on some cheap piece of shit!

I hadn’t planned on saving my “shit” in the first place. But more on this later.

Hell no, do yourself a favor get a real damn backpack.

Isn’t ANY backpack a REAL damn backpack? And if I don’t have one, should I just stay home?

Survival is a state of mind and a will to succeed.

Then what do I need the backpack and all this gear for?

Never give up, never give in just keep on going.

Hard to apply this one to bugging in…. Better grab yer backpack!

 

And from the “comments” section, THESE little gems:

Great post apocalyptic survival guide man you covered all the bases. You should also include anti-biotics and medical care.

Then he didn’t cover ALL the bases, did he?

Thanks for saving my life, I did not even think about the hand crank radio/ flashlight!

That whole telling you to get a gun thing just went right by ya, huh?

This is one of the best guides I have come across for apocalypse survival. I think there are some things that could be added though to make it more complete but I understand it is already super long so I will e-mail you some of my ideas for you to cover and maybe you can make additional posts and link them?

Translation: You don’t know shit. Let me tell ya how it’s done.

Reading just your first paragraph makes me glad to know I’m not going to have kids.

 I don’t get this. This was the first paragraph: When the lights go out, and it is colder than a witches tits in a brass bra, you will need to know how to start a fire, purify water, acquire food and defend yourself.

Personally, my plan would to be to isolate myself from anyone, particularly the kind of person who wrote this article.

Then why are you READING this article? To learn to avoid people like the author?

Great tips for survival skills, I’m sure the author has a lot of know-how, but they sound ruthless.

Translation: He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about, but he’s a mean sumbitch, so I’m gonna be nice.

Being a girl, I wouldn’t trust the majority of guys to remain gentlemen, especially those who view guns as the best post apocalyptic tool.

Posted by a future sex slave for the unwashed masses.

Boiling water isn’t very effective as there are bacteria that thrive in temperatures around water’s boiling point.

Name ONE. Water boils at 212 degrees F. MOST bacteria can’t make it to 150.

(talking about distilling): The only draw back is that the water will lack things like fluoride that’s in our tap water to keep our teeth healthy, but other methods don’t provide this either.

So you’re saying the only drawback that makes it superior to other methods is that the other methods don’t do the same thing that distilling doesn’t do? Getting confused here…

I’m a fan “head for the hills”, which is probably because (1) I know I couldn’t hold my own in a fight (2) I have so little faith in people to remain civil.

Body found in woods wearing flip flops and eaten by wolves. Film at eleven. Doesn’t ANYONE know about that gun thing?

I’m also pretty against the gun thing.

Body found (insert ANY location here) riddled with bullets. Film at eleven.

I thought the shelter thing was interesting, tarps sound great.

 What part of “Don’t think for a second life is pleasurable living under a tarp” do you NOT understand?

To me apocalyptic survival means nothing more than an extended camping trip.

Body found riddled by bullets and eaten by wolves in extreme dehydrated and malnourished condition. While wearing flip flops. Film at eleven.

Everything you need, nature can provide.

Then why are you reading this shit?

You don’t need guns or arrows if you can build snares and traps for small game.

Body found in woods eaten by wolves, shot by renegades, choking on flip flops he was trying to eat because he didn’t know how to build a fucking trap and had no way to protect himself, either. Film at eleven. (I’m starting to see a trend here….)

Children are the future.

We are SO fucking doomed.

Sidearm:  it is better than hurling rocks & sticks.

Finally! Intelligence rears its ugly head. It’s MUCH more effective to hurl a sidearm!

When I’m in the woods with chainsaws I carry a bunch of maxipads (sanitary napkins) as they will cover a large area quickly.

I REALLY don’t wanna know…..

A dog would be good but that is another mouth to feed.

A dog IS good. Especially with garlic. Problem solved.

There is a reason that super fortified castles, historically often became tombs.

I’m guessing they forgot the gun thing, too.

Don’t make the mistake in assuming that the tampon is a good plug for a bullet hole… it swells up waaaay too much.

Isn’t that what the little string is for?

The best is a large land where your crap can be used as fertilizer over larger areas.

The “best” is to not crap where yer gonna grow FOOD, Dipshit! (this is that “more about that later” part I was talking about.)

(I’m wondering if you could accelerate the process with worms or if your excrements will simply kill the worms).

And yet you think nothing of growing YOUR food in it….

Sand and salt can be used to drain the juices out of your sh*t.

I HOPE he means POST-excreting.

Roving, well-armed bands of 30 or 50 thugs will be going house to house and taking everything.

And we’re back to the whole 17 rounds and you can’t hit shit problem. Practice people!

Sure you can shoot a few, then they firebomb your house.

Not if you actually shoot MORE than a few of them.

If you’re outside and have anything of value you wont be just robbed but simply shot from a hundred yards away.

Didn’t you JUST tell me my house was no good. If I can’t stay INSIDE, and I can’t go OUTSIDE, where the FUCK do you want me to GO?

One of the most importent things needed in any situation like this one would be personal things.Things that was handed down to you or given by loved ones,picures,objects,books,bible,journals to wright in.

This really only applies if the personal thing handed down was a FUCKING GUN!

Post shit hitting the fan you still need a sence of how good you had it befor.

Or a sense of the written language. So you can wright in your journal….

Other people and the generations growning up in it help and suport others even if you dont agree with there ways is how we got to live like we did in the past(present day).

I personally:  1. Never lived in the past, and 2. Can’t figure out a WORD your saying.

My biggest fear in a situation like that would be someone or group of people trying to make like a town or village and start creating laws and governments.

A society with LAWS? Oh, PLEASE GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let’s hope her fears don’t end up killing her prematurely.

Wouldn’t want her to miss the apocalypse now, would we.

Yea I am more worried about people who are scared of people like me and you, because those folks will be the ones who are truly desperate and they are more of a threat to me and mine.

What about the ones with guns who AREN’T afraid of you? Just big teddy bears, huh? Can we say “fodder”?

For fire wood most of the time you don’t need any tools. With one heavy stone you can break pretty much any dry wood into pieces.

1.       You’re an idiot.

2.      See above note about chainsaw.

I actually believe that the majority of people will maintain their morality.

Blah, blah, blah……Film at eleven. (Thugs are doing well, though.)

A kill or be killed society can not flourish and does not seem very realistic.

But a kill and kill alike is a freaking Utopia?

Personally, I focus on the short-term for survival.

Good plan. And you’re reading this site for….?

Humans are far better suited evolutionarily for survival in groups. That being said, I’d much rather be on my own than with a group full of idiots or moochers.

Confusion runs strong in this one, Obi Wan.

Nature and survival do not give a damn about m0rals and right or wrong.

This I couldn’t have said better!

I live in a small rural neighborhood and have started to plant seeds in their heads about post apocalyptic living.

A whole new twist on the survival garden….

 

Xeno out